Lies, Love, and Friendships

Thursday, September 04, 2008

I recently became very disturbed about my physical appearance. Obsessed, even. I was convinced, and to a certain degree still am, that a particular girl is prettier than me. Why do I care? Well, that's the million dollar question. And quite frankly I am looking for someone to blame. For starters, I do NOT think I am drop dead gorgeous. Certainly not gnarly, either. I believe myself to be average looking. I have found in past relationships, I have been as good looking, or more so than my exes exes, if that makes any sense at all. So imagine how disturbed I became to discover my ex had an intrest in someone who I felt was an upgrade! I was not jealous of her new potential relationship. I was jealous of the girl who is prettier than me. This is some sick shit, I know. But it gets even more disturbing. About 4 years ago, I posted a pic of me on the website hotornot.com (which, by the way, if you have never done, I highly recommend against it.) This site is designed to view photos and rate people, based on physical appearance alone, on a scale from 1 to 10. I scored a 4. What a blow to my self esteem. Especially since I thought it was the best pic I had taken in quite some time. I felt like these people are total strangers. They have no knowledge of the amazing person I am. They are honestly rating me based on just what you see. And I am BELOW AVERAGE! I was devestated. Am I really that bad? So I polled a couple of friends about my issues with the prettier girl. Of course they all said, "No way! You are way prettier than HER." These are real friends. People who will bend the truth, ever so slightly, to prevent depression. I suddenly realized- no one will look you in the face and say, "You know, you're right. She IS prettier than you." They will think it, they will rate me a 2 on hot or not, (all the while giving this girl an 8) but never SAY it to me. It's weird. Then I posed the question, choosing an undeniably beautiful girl (I mean the most beautiful girl I know personally), "Is SHE prettier than me?" Saying yes to this wouldn't have even hurt my feelings. This girl is a 10. And the response I get? "I don't think so. I don't think she is prettier than you." Ok- now I am forced to take this a step farther. I say, "I know I am not the most beautiful person you have ever seen. So name one person, anyone at all, alive or dead, who you know or have never met, that you think is prettier than me." Guess what? No response to that question even. And why? Because people will not say these things to your face. They don't want to hurt you. They feel obligated to build you up because they are your friend and that is what friends do. Moral of the story? I have really great friends who are willing to lie and go to hell for it, just to make me feel better about myself. You guys are awesome and I have no idea what I would do without you. PS- Fuck the pretty girls. And fuck the people who rated me a 4. Fuck you all.