How does one become a lesbian?

Friday, September 05, 2008

The following may contain subject matter that is inappropriate for children. ;) There I sat, 17 years old, in my bedroom, with one of my best friends (who we will call Bonnie). She and I talked about everything, especially sex. She was *ahem*experienced. I was not. She would tell me endless stories about the boys she was with. I would listen. The very idea of her being so promiscuous both intrigued and discouraged me. That day she began telling me one of her stories. I sat and listened, soaking up every detail, as I always did. As the conversation progressed, she said bluntly, "Do you ever think about being with another girl?" Now before I provide you my response to that question, let me back up and give you my history. At 14 years old, I knew there was something "different" about me. I grew up in a religious household. I went to a Christian school. Although I had an uncle who was gay, we didn't talk about it and we certainly didn't embrace it. It was simply frowned upon. My sister had a friend, her best friend, (for the purposes of this story, we will call her Denise) who mesmerized me. I don't know why, exactly. She was funny, so much she made me laugh til it hurt. She was smart and attractive. I was 3 years younger and felt like maybe my attraction was just because an older girl was paying attention to me. But the more I was around her, the more I started thinking about other stuff. I would sit and talk to her or listen to her stories or watch her while she interacted with someone else and all I could think about was what it would be like to kiss her. Of course, this was unnatural and I was ashamed. But then one day, the most amazing thing happened. Denise told my sister she was a lesbian. Wow. It clicked with me. That attraction was my poorly developed gaydar at work. And, holy crap! I might be one of THEM. I tried to forget about Denise. Even when she joined the Army and sent me T-shirts from different places. I tried to forget how amazing it was that this teenaged girl was so comfortable with who she was. I tried to forget that I wanted so much to follow in her footsteps and out myself. But, alas, I was 15, a victim of religiousness, Southern upbringing, and being uncomfortable in my own skin. Ok- so back to the question at hand. Bonnie's boldness made me nervous. All I could think was, "She knows." So I quickly, quietly, and shakily said, "Yeah. Do you?" Her response was, "Oh yeah. When you think about it, who's it with?" Here I am again. Stuck in a mess. No idea how to answer this. So I say, "I don't know." She responds with, "Well, whenever I think about it, it's with you." I was shocked, scared, turned on, everything all at once. I looked at her, directly in the eyes, for only a split second. Then we just came together, kissing, hands everywhere. I had no idea what I was doing, I'm sure that kind of performance would be embarrassing now. All I remember is watching her face while I touched her. It was amazing. I remember the way she kissed so much differently than boys. I remember the wetness I felt in my hand. I remember hearing her breathe harder, whimpering, and the feeling on my fingers when she began to tighten around them. I remember thinking all night afterwards how amazing that is and that I want to do it again. Bonnie and I never did that again. Nowadays, she is straight, married, has a baby, and was never with another woman. That experience satisfied her curiosity. Not mine. I thought about it every day. I wondered how you find out if there are others like you. I wondered if I could ever be so bold as Bonnie to just ask. I looked at all of my friends, questioning is she like Bonnie? Or Denise? But it was wrong, I shouldn't. So, I tried to supress it. The first experience of course, still stands out in my mind. It was the turning point for me. It was the day I changed my thinking from maybe to definitely. I knew for sure after that experience, I enjoy women. I had thought for a long time that maybe I was just curious. Maybe I just THINK it would be great. Now I knew it was what I wanted. Yet I continued to push it out. I continued to press forward until I was 28 before coming out. Yes, I had a few secret lesbian affairs along the way. But those were secrets. We didn't tell. And now I tell. Why? Because I want to thank Denise for being an amazing role model. I wonder if she knew about me back then? Did she suspect me at all? Or was my big gay announcement a shock to her? I want to thank Bonnie for being so bold. I wonder if she has any idea what a difference that experience made in my life? I sometimes wonder if she ever told anybody about that night. She was a big mouth and couldn't keep even her own secrets. But I never heard from anyone about it. But I think most of all, I want to make sure that the few people I know who have chosen not to accept this part of my life understand, this is the true story. I didn't even know what being a lesbian was and I felt it. It was strongly there at 14 when we didn't talk about it. I didn't make a choice to be a lesbian. I made a choice to live proudly as one.