I am going away in search of something new....Truth.

Monday, July 28, 2008

I anticipate the journey to truth will be a long and exhausting one. I expect I will return a new woman. The first step on my journey to truth is accepting what is true and releasing that which is false. This is not a true/false quiz like the ones we took in grade school. Nor is it like the fact or myth game Amanda has, where you discover that decomposing bodies have been found under beds in hotel rooms across the country. Although both were very educational and informative, this is a journey to MY truth. I must begin by expelling the lies I have been living. Deciding to come out as a lesbian was maybe the first step. So perhaps I have begun this journey slowly many years ago. But I am ready to move forward. I have discovered that my idea of love was skewed. I believed that in order to show my love to others, I had to sacrifice myself to ensure the other person's happiness. I have done this for family, friends, and lovers. I have realized that negotiation is required. Meeting half way is necessary. But wallowing in misery to provide a moment of happiness is not love. In fact, anyone who truly loves me will never rejoice in my depths of despair. Simply knowing I am happy (without causing harm to anyone else) should create happiness in those who love me. With this revelation, I vow to refuse to be miserable. I vow to offer hope to others with my self-replicating happiness. Do not get me wrong, I certainly have not slipped into a delusional oblivion. I don't expect life to be perfect. But I intend to make choices and do things in life that will ultimately result in consequences I am pleased with. Upon beginning my trip down the happy trail, as I like to call it, I expect travels will become easier. Once you have travelled down the happy trail, it will be found again with ease. This is the first step on the journey of truth. I will update you as I begin my second step.