Responsible Parenting Isn't Always Pretty

I’ve been questioned- even admonished- for some of my parenting choices, simply because I don’t always follow the unwritten guide book about what parents should do. At the end of the day, it is my responsibility to turn these kids God gave me into adults that make the world a better place. I have always felt that I am the one who will have to live with the qualities I’ve instilled in them, the times I answered their tough questions with the truth, and the times I proactively broached uncomfortable- and important- topics with them.

For example, my son came to me when he was in the fourth grade and asked, “Mom? What’s a period?” I had a hysterectomy when he was three years old, so it isn’t really a topic that came up around the house very often. I said, “I will be happy to explain it to you; first I’d like you to tell me where you heard about it.” His answer, “at school.” Immediately, I begin to think of all the incorrect information 9 year old boys are passing around. I gave him detail about female anatomy, I drew him a diagram, I explained the monthly cycle at length. He looked horrified, I felt very pleased with myself. He then said to me, “Mom! I already know about that, I meant at school. You know, first period, second period..?”  Oops. I have learned two things from that experience: ALWAYS ask them to use the word in a sentence before defining it. I am awesome under pressure.

These stories aren’t always so warm and fuzzy. For example, my daughter asked me just the other day, “Mom, why did you tell me there was no Santa Claus when I was six?” I said, “Because you said, ‘tell me the truth, are you really Santa Claus?’ and I refuse to lie if you ask me a direct question. Now don’t we all feel better knowing that I’ll always tell you the truth, even if you don’t want to hear it?” The answer to that was likely no. I rest easy in knowing that she’ll get it someday.

It’s the times that I have real talks with my kids about real issues that they didn’t ask about- the ones I feel are valuable lessons, solid teaching experiences- that I bring up on my own that folks have the hardest time understanding. A lot of the concern is that I expose them to information too early, that my detail is too advanced, that my methods are questionable. I think when it comes to molding them into adults that I can be proud of, I can never go too far in giving them information.

Last night at dinner, I spoke with my kids about the Steubenville, OH rape case that has been all over the news. My son is closing in on 14 and my daughter is now 10. This story could have a lasting impact on their future choices as teenagers and adults. I told them the story- the series of poor choices, the irresponsible consumption of alcohol, the decision to consider an inability to give consent as consent, the onlookers who not only didn’t step in, but commemorated this crime in videos, photos, tweets, etc.- and I urged them to consider this event and its relevance to their own lives. We talked about the importance of not becoming so intoxicated that your ability to make good choices is impaired. We talked about consent- if someone is not a willing participant, it is force. Coercion is force. Failure to give consent is force. No always means no. “I’m not sure about this” means no. Anything less than yes means no. I stressed to my son that these boys are now registered sex offenders because they believed they could take advantage of this girl- she didn’t say no, she didn’t put up a fight, the situation didn’t allow her to. I stressed to my daughter that even amongst friends, these things happen. I stressed to them both that we are the kind of people who step in when someone is being treated unfairly. We are the kind of people who take that girl who is no longer capable of making good decisions out of the situation. If we are impaired, we are the kind of people who call mom and say, “can you come and get us? We need a ride.” And I am the kind of mom who will say, “You betcha.”

I’m sure there are people out there who would question my choice to “rob my children of their innocence” (in fact, I know there are. I’ve been told this before) but I believe that by pretending these things don’t exist, that my kids won’t be in these situations, that they’ll make the right decisions based on instinct is relying on a false hope that people always make good choices unless they’re “bad people”.

I hope that whoever you are, whatever your situation, whether you choose to be as frank and open as I am, or if you prefer to be gentler and softer in your approach, that you do talk to your children about these situations. I pray that you tell your kids that consent is never implied. I pray that you teach your kids to stand up for what’s right, even when all of their peers are choosing differently. I wish for you that your children view you as a safe haven, a place where they will receive unconditional love, a place they can turn to always hear the truth- even when it hurts- and know that you are there for them when things get tough.