I probably first heard the New Kids on the Block at age 12.
By 14, I knew every word to every song, had parties to watch their Pay Per View
concerts, owned every cassette, every poster, and more copies of Tiger Beat
than you can imagine. I saw them perform live in 1993 and it was (at the time)
the best night of my life. Yeah, I was THAT girl.
As an adult, I haven’t seen much of them. What I have seen
is a society that has repeatedly told me that my body type is unattractive. I’ve
seen a diet industry try to convince me that I am not good enough unless I am
constantly on this bandwagon leading me to thin perfection. I have seen Diet
Coke and Weight Watchers and Jenny Craig and even beer with 64 calories try to
persuade me to be a better version of myself- if better means nothing other
than 75 pounds lighter than who I already am.
In October, I went for my annual exam at my doctor’s office.
She was surprised (I know this because she said so) that my blood pressure,
blood sugar, enzymes, (and whatever the hell they’re measuring in all the labs
and vitals and swabs they take to find flaws in your biological design) were
all perfect. I’m paraphrasing, but in essence, my doctor told me that I was too
fat to be so healthy and I should be thankful. I told her that I’m quite
thankful and contrary to the number on the scale- which she seemed to place a
lot of stock in- I am very healthy. I eat a balanced diet. I have fresh veggies
every day. I keep fruit on hand. I drink water. And for the record, I also eat
ice cream if I want it.
I have struggled (as most people have) with body image most
of my life. On that day in my doctor’s office, when I expected to hear the
worst, I was instead greeted with a message of health. I was also greeted with
disbelief, but the part I focused on was health. Yay me! I spent the next few
days really looking at myself. I discovered that I’m not ugly- in fact, I’m
kinda cute. I have an incredible sense of humor, I am caring and loving and
generous and non-judgmental. But because I have curves- voluptuous,
proportionate curves- I should want to change? No freaking way. Thus begins my
journey of self love.
I find my heart breaking when I hear young people talking
about their weight, their size, their need to stay thin and attractive. It devastates
me to think that the next generation will hurt inside and torture themselves for
this ideal picture of beauty. I am angry. I am broken. I want to change
something- anything!- to make the world a different place for my kids. I
decided to start with myself. My focus is not on weight or dress size. I am
learning to love my body- all 225 pounds of it. (Yep. I said it.) I’m hot. If
you don’t agree, it’s okay. I probably won’t be getting naked with you anyway,
so you’re safe.
This is the part where I tie it together. I promise.
I rarely watch music
videos, MTV is stupid nowadays and I am usually into music for the sake of the
music. My imagination creates a video based on my interpretation of the lyrics,
the tone, and the beat. Occasionally, my BFF will insist that I watch a video
on VH1 in the mornings and I will occasionally oblige. I had watched a video
with her a few days ago and just left it on for background music. I heard the
new NKOTB song Remix. As a fan from way back, I wanted to check the guys out,
see what’s up. Instead, I found myself immersed in the story in this video. The
song is about a woman who gets tired of blending in, being judged, being
laughed at, and becomes okay with herself and how hot they (the five guys of my
teenage dreams) think she is. The woman featured in this video is a beautiful
actress by the name of Artemis Pebdani. She is a curvy girl. She is dancing like
no one is watching, even though everybody is watching. She shakes her groove
thing very provocatively with a drooling Donnie Wahlberg who sings out to her “I
love the sexy thing you turned into.” Maybe he’s a great actor nowadays, but I
believed him. I think he really wanted her. And you know why? She was HOT! She’s
naturally a pretty girl, but the self confidence she exudes in this video is
magnetic. If she knows she’s that awesome, who am I to question her?
Guess what- I am awesome, too. So are you. Be healthy; take
care of you first. I’ve learned that the “picture of health” is hidden
somewhere underneath my plus sized clothes, stretch marks, and my thighs that
rub together. If you don’t like something about yourself, change it. If someone
else doesn’t like something about you, that is their own stuff. Don’t haul the
baggage of what others think of you. Please love yourself. Do it for your own
sanity. But also do it for my kids. Do it so that they can believe in
themselves. Do it so that my son will choose a partner who is perfect for him
and not for society. Do it so that my daughter can love herself and never
question whether 5 pounds will make her more or less attractive. Do it. And remember this: it’s okay (and
recommended) to fall in love with yourself.
And sometimes, you treat the person you’re in love with to a
guilt-free dessert.